Been thinking about love a lot lately, wondering why I have never felt that I have had “true love” in my life. Wondering why I rarely (unless I am on Acid or Ecstasy) experience a real connection with another person. Really see them. So I have to question myself: Am I empty? Am I dead inside? That little man inside me; is he the one who keeps me down, down, down? Is little man inside me my false ego, my phony self, the one who gets what he deserves, which is nothing. Am I alone? Am I living a life of no- life? I am trapped by that little man who does not allow me to be myself. Why have I lived for what seems like forever waiting for a wake-up call. Where in my life is true intimacy? Where is really knowing love for me? I feel caught in a trap. One thing that I have heard and heard and heard and read and read and read is that each person has the strength and the power within themselves to find their own answers. I do want harmony with those around me, with my family, friends. I want to be true to myself, but when the moments of truth appear, when opportunity knocks, I run away. I trivialize the moment—all to protect the little man inside—my censor, my monster, my personal cancer. For whatever the reason that I have been this way for so long, I realize while writing this, that the intimacy and relationship I have always wanted will only be possible when I feel safe and when I am able to speak directly from my heart. Until then, mark me down as another lost soul.
—Puff Puff
