It’s a new year. It’s already flying by in magnificent new ways. I’ve been to Bali and to the east coast and it’s not even mid February yet, but it does feel like things are moving quickly, in a whole new wonderful direction. That doesn’t mean it hasn’t come with its challenges. I’ve come to accept the contrasts in life and I’ve been met head-on with several in the form of other people’s anger, fueled by their annoyance with themselves projected onto me.
We are at a time in human history that beckons drastic change. I have seen the resistance to change in the lives of those around me. Uranus is pushing and forcing change for those who are still holding onto baggage and old ways. The patriarchal ways don’t want to die. Control, manipulation and domination doesn’t want to let go. This struggle is manifesting in heated ways politically and in my own life. Blame and conniving maneuvers can no longer hold the denial in place. Accountability is key.
My story and my part in a drama that unfolded last week:
We walked out of the theatre of her chosen movie around 9:30pm and into the frigid evening air, at which time she randomly said, “I need to call and wish my 97 year old Aunt a happy birthday.” She proceeded to call her Aunt right there on the curb. It was an east coast cold night so I headed to her car because I had the keys from her lending me her car that day. I started the car and turned on the heat. I moved over to the passengers side. Noticed the time and took into consideration that she and her boyfriend, who was also there and had walked to his truck to warm up, wanted to go to dinner. When she came to the car she was still on the phone, and as seeing her as a multi-tasker in the 15 years she’s been a close friend I whisper to her, “Go ahead and head to whatever restaurant the two of you usually eat at.” Thinking she’d take the wheel and start driving as she continued her conversation because restaurants close by 10pm.
THE PROJECTIONS in the FORM OF ANGER from the OVER-GIVER:
Like Darth Vader come to life, the champion over giver, swung her body around to my passenger seat position and energetic blew my adrenals with her anger on steroids. The look on her face was as like a scene from the exorcist that was how much her face changed. Or picture a person turning into a werewolf. That was the look on her face as she did what she does best with playing with energy. But this time it was with dark energy and she through it like a fire ball right at me.
Having just seen a happy movie and feeling grateful in my heart, and in my body for the car that was warming up, I was so blindsided. I didn’t see this coming until it hit my body like a dagger thrown by a professional marksman. WOAH! It was so intense it took my breathe away.
She then turns to face the steering wheel and describes me in a negative light to her Aunt as the reason she needs to now get off of the phone as her means of escalating her triggered state. I remained calm by breathing deeply to stabilize my body that felt like warm blood was oozing out of an open wound. I could handle it but it didn’t excuse her behavior that continued and was never addressed by her.
I calmly suggested she go with her boyfriend to have dinner and I head home with her car. I don’t eat dinner at 10pm and I certainly didn’t have an appetite after her atomic bomb blew my happy and peaceful heart into a fight or flight status, that I was equipped to handle but it did rob any appetite I may have had, and that was okay because this wasn’t about me. I don’t eat that late anyways. I didn’t raise my voice to meet hers, I merely made a suggestion that I thought would appease everyone involved, but nope!
She loves to be the one in control of all things including escalating this even further by calling her boyfriend (who was waiting in the same parking lot to go get a bite to eat with her) and making it out that I was out of control and that she needed to take me home. Does the scene now look like mom is upset and she’s taking the child home? It did seem like that by the way she handled things assuming a superior role to keep up her image of herself as someone who never gets angry. I did feel like she began treating me like a child after she conveyed something similar to her Aunt and now she was telling Dad. The sad part is that I may be the only person in her life who would have not taking personal offense to her triggered state and would have held her heart while she took a good look at herself. But blame and denial is the direction she went.
Holding herself in the fantasy light of the one who doesn’t have a dark side and ignoring her responsibility in escalating things with her anger, she hung up the phone and proceeded to drive toward the home I was now to be dropped off at, instead of jumping into his truck.
We were no longer two adults. She was now in the role of the dark queen and I her prisoner. Giggle. Sadly and comically it did play out that way, more than once, in the 12 hours that followed.
I mentioned most recently being in Bali. I valued how their devotional philosophy encompassed the understanding that dark and light exist in all people. I have learned that we come to earth to FEEL and that sometimes very uncomfortable feelings need to be expressed and a new understanding and balance comes as a result of realizations and feeling things through. I’m okay with people having uncomfortable feelings and I understand it takes some people time to own what’s happened for them but when they don’t form that awareness and responsibility then that becomes an issue.
Over the years I’ve seen the queen’s crafty and trickster manipulation as her means of getting what she wants. When she’s not happy with people she finds quiet and unpleasant ways to get them and then resumes the position that she wishes them well and holds no bad feelings. I was now on the receiving end of those moves and it didn’t feel good at all.
There are all types of people in the world. I’ve loved my friend for many years and I realize she has created an image of herself that refuses to see her own dark side. A side that’s desperately calling for boundaries where there aren’t any. I became witness and participant in igniting her wickedly dark side that evening that played out, in a two part series. An inescapable moment in time, where I became prisoner in the dark Queens dungeon of passive aggressive wizardry.
I see time and time again and through my own experience of learning to set clear boundaries that without healthy boundaries and standards we as humans will project are unmet needs and wants in hurtful ways. Stating ones boundaries isn’t easy but it’s healthy and important. Sometimes it requires a negotiation if one persons needs aren’t in alignment with another’s, but it’s all out on the table, nothing slithering around behind the scenes unsaid. Boundaries allows people to know how to respect and honor one another.
Those who trigger us give us the opportunity to clear things, to see things and to realign with whats most important by getting honest with ourselves. We may need to assess how we can do things differently or learn a new skillset BUT that requires assuming responsibility. A sexy muscle called awareness is what’s necessary. My friend has been good at seeing other people have the issue including me. I’m always open to looking at myself so I welcome the feedback. She however doesn’t look at herself because she sees herself as a giver who is always calm amidst the chaos.
I’ve been on the receiving end of those who are unable to ask for their needs to be met or to set clear boundaries. They suddenly lash out, say hurtful things or in this case throw energetic mounds of anger like a sorceress. They feel justified and entitled to act out. Those who can’t communicate their wants and needs can and do hurt the ones they desire and love the most. They often feel entitled to take what they want or to manipulate and assume without asking because of their giving, they unconsciously or consciously feel they have the right. Their giving was conditional but who they gave to didn’t know it, until they wanted something that wasn’t negotiated or made clear, and now they are going to manipulate, scream or be mean with their words. Like a child having a temper tantrum. People without boundaries also attract and align with those who are takers or people who don’t set boundaries and justify cruel, inconsiderate, abusive or even wicked behavior to get their needs met and are never being satisfied with someone having done enough for them.
Without being in the practice of establishing boundaries around; time, needs and wants, people can go throughout their lives without an important skillset that honors standards and gives others the opportunity to respect them. They often spend most of their time alone as a means to keep themselves safe. Being vulnerable with others by expressing their needs scares them so they go the loner route.
BACK TO THE TWO PART SERIES:
My girlfriend was triggered and I attempted to suggest ways for her to move out of the situation by going to have dinner with her boyfriend and allowing me to go home and go to bed. Space for her would have been good, as I requested the same. Instead she chose to portray me to others as the one with an issue and now she needed to manage me.
She continued to drive toward her home suggesting how inconsiderate I was to have talked while she was on the phone. I apologized again and stated I thought they wanted to get to a restaurant before it closed and was sorry I whispered the suggestion while she was on the phone. She was adamant about her position of it was all my fault and that I was ruining the night by not going to dinner with her and her boyfriend. I said I am sorry but I’m not hungry and didn’t think it was a big deal to have me go home while you two went out.
As she continued to build a case around me. I brought up my morning departure and asked if I could have a ride to the bus stop. My request was immediately dismissed by the Queen herself, who decides what’s best for everyone. The conversation went back to dinner as she positioned the night would have been better had I decided to go to dinner. Keep in mind, at any moment she could have called her boyfriend who was heading the same direction and the two of them could have eaten at one of many places we were driving past. To get her off the subject of pinning it all on me, I asked her why she was okay with me using her car before and not now? Since we were all headed the same direction and to the same destination only to have me dropped off and then go eat with him. What was actually going on here???
Well let me tell you… that ignited an explosive rage in her that could no longer be contained. Me questioning her need to drive me home led her to suddenly SLAMMING on the brakes, my body lunging forward and almost kissing the windshield, before slamming back into my seat, when the vehicle came to an abrupt stop. She jumped out of the car in the middle of the street and yelled, “FINE DRIVE YOURSELF!” and started walking up the steep hill. WTF!!?
I just sat there in a state of shock as cars whizzed by beeping their horns and driving into the oncoming traffic lane, to get around our stopped vehicle. I could have been rear-ended and someone could have gotten killed it was that shocking and sudden. I was visiting and didn’t know where we were. I’m also one of the most directionally challenged people out there, so I just sat there watching her stomp her way up the steep hill and fade to black, as cars wizzed by beeping at me. I hit the hazard button in the middle of the console from my passenger seat as my brain moved toward problem solving.
She seemed to disappear into the nights darkness as she peaked the hill. I was left to fend for myself when I realized she was not coming back.
I didn’t hear from her the rest of the night. The next morning I had a plane to catch and she was the one responsible for taking me to the airport. I had even asked her that night on our uncomfortable drive home before she slammed on the brakes, if she would take me to the bus stop across the bridge the next morning so I could get to the airport. I gave her my flight schedule and mentioned that I found it fun to take a bus every now and that I looked forward to it because I get to see parts of the city and experience life in a new way. She’s also overextended in every way in her life that I didn’t want to take up her morning with the twenty to thirty minute commute to the airport so this was a win win and would only cost me $2.75.
My request to be dropped at the bus across the bridge the next morning was met with a, “No I will take you to the airport.”
Ugh! This is where her need to give overextends itself and builds her story around all that she does for me and everyone else. Her champion giver status comes before anyone else’s wishes because her status must remain in tact. Deep breath. I make one last ditch effort to communicate my want, “Ok, but I really do enjoy taking the bus and it’s just across the bridge.”
“No, it’s okay. I said I will take you” was her response sealed by her wishes. That’s when she got back to the disappointment about me choosing not to join them for dinner. And you know how the rest played out.
INSIGHT FROM A BUDDHIST MONK:
Last night, I was at a Buddhist talk where the monk was speaking about people who pride themselves on giving to the point where you just want to throw your hands up and say ENOUGH! He said their giving is no longer about compassion it’s about their needs, not the needs of the one on the receiving end. People who do this he said, put a whole lot of pressure on those around them and typically attract those who are happy to take and even mention they didn’t get enough. That wasn’t the friend I was in her life. I like to give to but I know there’s a balance to it all and I can hear people’s boundaries and needs, as I like mine to be heard too. The monk made such a hysterical and poignant remark about those who abuse compassion without taking control of their own needs by controlling the needs of others. He also mentioned the lack of clear boundaries has these abusers rarely feeling respected by others and living the martyr archetype. It’s all about them and what they do for others so you must appease them. In my case, she wanted to drive me to the airport, I had no choice, I had to let her.
So there I was the next morning in her web that I didn’t realize I was so deeply embedded in… until I was stuck. I woke up early and waited to call and text her because she stays up very late at night. Knowing I needed to be on my way to the airport at 9:30am I waited to just before 9am to contact her since she was just a few homes away on the same street as me. I was in one of her rental properties. I got no answer, no response, nothing from any of my text or calls. I truly did not believe she wasn’t going to carry her anger over into the following day so I had no idea she was still plotting and scheming and manipulating in dark ways. The web was being weaved.
I didn’t have internet so my connection to get an uber was dropping each time I attempted to secure one. UGH! It was like being stuck in a web because I couldn’t get out. I also had important information in her car which was parked outside. I no longer had a key to it because her boyfriend took it from me after I parked the car and before they went to dinner as he had picked her up and she remained silent in his truck when he took my key. I had important business information in her car, along with a book I brought to read on my 7 hour journey home. I reminded her by text and by phone that I needed some help retrieving my belongings and that I REALLY needed her help in getting to the airport because I couldn’t get an Uber.
I walked out onto the porch and thought, ‘Shit what am I going to do?’ It was pouring rain, it was now almost 10am and my flight was leaving soon. One of her workers was on the porch of the home she owned next door doing work. I was relieved to see him and immediately offered him money and explained I needed a ride to the airport. He said, “Ok, no problem! Hold on!”
I went inside and got my bag, brought it out onto the covered porch and waited for what seemed like forever before he came back out of the house next door. I asked if I should bring my bags down to his truck. He explained to me that he had just called my friend and that she told him not to drive me. My draw dropped. What? He explained that she was now on the phone with the plumber, who was standing just inside the door, and that was her priority and that she was busy. He felt terrible for me. I could see it in his eyes. I was fucked, he was able and willing to help, and she as his boss, said no.
Standstill. Deep breath. Realization.
When I realized that she was talking on the phone to the men four feet away from me and was intentional doing this and not still sleeping as I had assumed, I felt this warm vile energy slither up my gripped and disbelieving body… and with a devilish smile, knowing exactly what she was contriving, her manipulative energy struck the center of my heart and woke me up to what was going on. WOW! Yes, that hurt to know. Yes, that hurt to have her still projecting on me. That hurt to have her be cruel and inconsiderate, conniving and manipulative. I’ve cheered her on and lifted her up and it was me she chose to try to take down. Not the people in her life who have disrespected and abused her but me.
It was an unforgettable marked moment in time. In slow motion, as the poison of her bite traveled through my unsuspecting veins, I lifted my phone to make a final attempt to contact Uber. As clear as day, her actions and a data signal came through, and my vehicle was ordered in an instant! A white Jeep Cherokee, like a Prince on a majestic white horse arrived to save the day, within minutes. I felt like I was walking on the moon, in the steps I took from the porch to the street, as rain splattered on my face and gravity pulled me to the earth I realized I had fallen victim to her crafty passive aggressive ways. That she doesn’t want to rise up, she wants to bare down and blame. The venom of her shocking bite had made its way through me by the time I reached the vehicle. The rain bathed my face in the present moment, as her helpless worker ran to the Jeep, scooping the door handle in his hand and swinging it open, to offer me a final escape from the drama of the over-giver.